Today, I am full of emptiness, guilt and remorse. There is this hostile underlying feeling of doubt of myself that I am loaded with. I feel totally worthless and good for nothing. Like a dirty rag.  I feel like I am about to lose everything, mentally, materially and spiritually. I have been on my knees asking for forgiveness for walking away from Jesus, but no relief of the guilt and remorse seems to be coming. This feeling is the misery caused by my sin.

This is not a punishment for my sin. It is simply the result of my sin because I left Jesus to commit the sin. Because I believe and ask Christ for everything in my life, I usually have peace, but I made a decision to walk away  from Christ.  I deceived myself. Like always, the deception never shows it's face until the deed is done. Like always, I was wanting some earthly pleasure and when the temptation presented itself, I grabbed it. When I grabbed it the calm and peace I was enjoying left me because I walked away from Jesus just before I grabbed it. 

I cannot blame the deceiver, because the deceiver only presented the deception to me. I chose to leave Jesus behind and take the deception and will receive the consequence of my choice. Whenever I sin, I can never blame the deceiver. I made the choice and it was a wrong choice. The deed is done and now the consequences are mine alone.

I was in a good place with Christ before \i chose the sin before Him. Now I have moved away from Him. My eye is still on Him but my vision is blurred and my feel of his presence is numbed. He is still there waiting for me to repent for not believing and trusting in Him as my Lord.  I have to wait for Him to remove the numbness and clear my vision so I can see Him like before I left Him behind for the sin.

After believing and trusting in Christ as my Lord again, He will forgive me of my sin and restore me back to my place with Him, He will, but when He is ready. Leaving Him is on my time, but returning is on His time. This is how He teaches me to stay close to Him. Christ knows I am a sinner and I will sin again whether I want to or not. It is my nature and my nature is strong. That is why I have to believe and trust Christ and let Him guide me. He never walks away, I do. It is always for some desire of my sinful nature that seems really good at the time it is presented.

I am really sorry for what I did, but sorry is not going to change any of my consequences. I am really guilty for what I did, but the guilt is not going to change any of my consequences. The only thing that will change my consequences is repenting for temporarily not believing and trusting Christ as my Lord, and humbly asking Him to restore me for leaving Him behind. Then He will restore me when He decides I have learned from my leaving Him behind.

Just the other day, right before the sin, I was questioning myself about my belief. John says those who don't believe are lost. I wasn't doubting God saving me, I was doubting my belief being real. I was thinking I may be deceived into believing I believe. My doubt is in myself, not in Christ. This sin has showed me that I have a very strong belief because I feel the separation from Christ so strongly.  My sin has taught me one thing. I do believe and once in a while I will have doubt whether I really believe or not. The doubt is never in Christ. Its always doubting myself. That is a sign for me that a deception is on the way. Each time I leave Christ behind to grab a deception, the pain will be worse. There will be more distance from Him for a longer period of time each time. This is teaching me to pray when the doubt starts and get closer to Him. But I do not act accordingly at all times. I am a sinner and will sin. I am saved not for repenting of my sins, but for repenting for being lost. I am lost because of  not believing that Jesus is the Lord. When I believe Christ is my Lord, I am a believer and my sins are all washed away.

Yes, when I don't have both my eyes on Jesus I will return to my life of sin. If I take one eye off Him there will be a separation from Him and I will sink.  A good example is when He called Peter to walk on the water and Peter took his eyes off Him and began to sink. Same with me, same with you, same with everyone. Keep both eyes on the Lord and believe He is the Lord. You will no longer be lost. You will be saved.